Me time in marriage
A few days ago an interesting article in the Times of India caught my eye. The headline read: “Couples need more ‘me time’ NOT sex”. The article was about the results of the research done by Dr. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and a research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research during a study called ‘The Early Years of Marriage Project’. Under this US study, the marriages of the same 373 married couples were followed for more than 25 years. Since the project got underway, 46 % of the marriages ended in divorce. And it was found that the lack of personal privacy or ‘me time’ in marriage (time for self) was the reason for unhappiness and marriage problems among a large number of the married couples surveyed.
Dr. Orbuch, like many other relationship experts, opines that having adequate space for self is more important than having a satisfactory sex life for helping married people enjoy a happy marriage.
Hmmm. Interesting, I thought after going through the entire piece. Mulling over Dr. Orbuch’s opinion, made me realize how important this ‘me time’, this concept of personal privacy in marriage, was for me too, as it must be for every individual, married or single, male or female. And then… just like that, three things came to mind. The first was the sweetly poignant song All I want is a room somewhere… from My Fair Lady picturised on Audrey Hepburn. So many times we wish we could retire to some personal space and give our full attention to something we feel passionately about but cannot spare the time for because of reasons like family responsibilities. Am I not right?
A Room of One’s Own
The second thing I remembered was Virginia Woolf’s A Room of One’s Own. The thesis of this rather long essay by the celebrated British author, published in 1929, is that women need financial independence and a room of their own if they want to pursue a career in writing. But this is what is apparent on a superficial level. If you look deeper, you’ll see that Woolf is referring not just to writing or art, but also to a respectful social status for women.
To prove her point, Woolf introduces a fictional character, Judith Shakespeare, supposed to be William Shakespeare’s sister. She says William is sent to school but Judith though equally gifted has to stay at home. She says, “She (Judith) was as adventurous, as imaginative, as agog to see the world as he was. But she was not sent to school.” Judith is later forced into marriage and soon gets bogged down by marital responsibilities as a result of which her genius remains unexpressed and stifled. But Shakespeare’s genius has opportunities to flourish and he successfully establishes himself as a legendary figure. By way of this example Woolf explains how by depriving generations of women of education and their personal space to grow, they were prevented from deciding the course of their own lives.
Let there be spaces in your togetherness
And the third connection I made in my mind was with Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet. In this book, in his poem on marriage , Gibran says: “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” (No, walking ten feet in front of or behind your spouse is not what Gibran meant.) Further in this same poem, he says, “Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf… And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
I remember when I was in college and my mind was full of the romantic mush I lapped up from Mills & Boons romances, I used to foolishly think that my soul mate and I would share the same tastes, the same interests. We would do everything together, go grocery shopping together, visit his parents and mine together, visit our friends together, relax together, exercise together… thank God I stopped short of imagining using the loo together. But once I got married it didn’t take long for me to get real. I realized: 1) We were individuals in our own right. We had some shared interests, and some that were not. 2) We were not Siamese twins, and so if one decided to go somewhere the other did not have to get dragged along willy-nilly. 3) When married people have dissimilar interests or want time to do things alone this doesn’t mean they love each other less. 4) The personal space that married people want could be physical – like a room of one’s own or a corner of a room for pursuing hobbies; emotional – like time to just think or plan for some activity of personal interest; or could even be away time, say an occasional outing or vacation with friends. 5) But married couples should not have secrets from one another.
In the past, there was a misconception that men were the ones who needed personal privacy, their own space, evenings out with the boys… But in modern times, with more women becoming financially independent, they too are expressing the need for more ‘me time’, more quality time with their friends and want the right to decide how to spend their time.
Dr. Orbuch, who is also the author of the book Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship, says, “When partners (husbands and wives) have their own set of interests, friends, and time for self, that makes them happier and less bored.” Another relationship psychologist and author, John Aiken, says something similar: “Couples need space in a relationship so they don’t suffocate each other. Having time apart is extremely healthy. It encourages each person to maintain their own sense of identity while still being a couple.”
In my opinion, if only one person’s interests and needs are given importance then that would be an unhealthy marriage. Those who truly love their spouse will support them in pursuing their interests. For a happy marriage, married people should strike the right balance between connection and separateness, between leaning on one another for support and standing strong and upright on their own. What do you think?
